Thursday, August 12, 2010

Underlying factors in relationship problems.

One of the very interesting outcomes of therapy is the insight gained by an individual as they look at their relationship issues from a new perspective. A question that I frequently address in individual counseling as well as when working with couples is "How does your early life experience effect your expectations and assumptions in your current relationship?" I believe that this can be a very important question as it is often the spoken and unspoken expectations that have their origins in our early life experiences that drive conflict in relationships.

We are all influenced by our past. Typically it is better to as aware as possible of the ways that those influences are effecting our reactions in our current relationships. It is often the things that we are not conscious of from our past that drive behaviors which interfere with resolving conflicts and developing greater intimacy in the present.

This concept can be quite simple and quite complex. If "Sally" grew up with a father who was a handyman around the house, a true wizard at tackling large and small home improvement jobs, there might come a time when frustrations would mount to unacceptable levels if it turns out that husband "Frank" has the handyman IQ of a 20. The frustration Sally might experience is likely to be be intensified by her life experience which taught her to expect that the "man of the house" should be able to fix all home repairs.

I have found that when clients make the connection, in this case that Frank is very different from Sally's father, it reduces some of the tension in everyday life, and makes it more possible to come up with alternative solutions to practical problems.

One of the values of exploring these kinds of questions within the context of couples counseling is that it can lead to a greater and greater knowledge of oneself in addition to a better understanding of one's partner. Couples who are able to develop the ability to stand back and look at themselves openly and reflectively, especially during times of conflict, develop more of a sense of connection in part because empathy and insight replaces blame and criticism.

No comments: