Listen (If this is your first time visiting remember to read threads from the bottom up)

Many couples come to me wanting help with "communication problems." Soon after beginning work with a new couple I frequently teach a listening exercise that I encourage couples to use at home. I call it a "paraphrasing exercise" because that is the best description for what it is. Simply put, the exercise requires each individual to listen and rephrase back to the speaker the content of what the speaker is stating. Typically there are two forms of paraphrasing, one is based on the emotional intent of the speaker and the other has more to do with the descriptive content. Both are important, but usually it is when a person paraphrases emotional content that we as speakers feel most understood. Some couples find this experience to be quite easy and natural, while others can struggle heartily with it. For those who have difficulty, the exercise is usually especially helpful.
Many clients have commented that the exercise made them realize how much they were focusing on an answer or a defense to their partner's statement, rather than making an effort to understand what it is that there partner thinks and feels. It then becomes obvious that that there is no way that you can truly listen if you are already formulating a response. I believe that listening is the first building block to good communication so if listening is done well you can be pretty sure that the communication between parties will be off to a good start.